Do I look all rancid and clotted? You look at me, Jack. Eh? Look, eh? And I drink a lot of water, you know. I'm what you might call a water man, Jack - that's what I am. And I can swear to you, my boy, swear to you, that there's nothing wrong with my bodily fluids. Not a thing, Jackie.

We've come to the end, my friends. Today is the last day of our marathon and the last day for you to donate money. My donations more than doubled yesterday. Many thanks to all my sponsors! The day that I presented my big rocket also presented my biggest single day increase. What does this mean? You all like the fear and intimidation. There is one movie that has great evil in it but it forces you to laugh at the evil. That's right, it makes you a little evil too.

Yes gentlemen, they are on their way in, and no one can bring them back. For the sake of our country, and our way of life, I suggest you get the rest of SAC in after them. Otherwise, we will be totally destroyed by Red retaliation. My boys will give you the best kind of start, 1400 megatons worth, and you sure as hell won't stop them now. So let's get going, there's no other choice. God willing, we will prevail, in peace and freedom from fear, and in true health, through the purity and essence of our natural fluids. -General Ripper (as read by General Turgidson)

And folks, lets not forget the ladies and the boobies for whom we have grown these beards. There is a place for them in my post-apocolyptic world.

General "Buck" Turgidson: Doctor, you mentioned the ratio of ten women to each man. Now, wouldn't that necessitate the abandonment of the so-called monogamous sexual relationship, I mean, as far as men were concerned?

Dr. Strangelove: Regrettably, yes. But it is, you know, a sacrifice required for the future of the human race. I hasten to add that since each man will be required to do prodigious... service along these lines, the women will have to be selected for their sexual characteristics which will have to be of a highly stimulating nature.

Ambassador de Sadesky: I must confess, you have an astonishingly good idea there, Doctor.

Thank you all again for all your donations. Your contributions have been noted and I will give you the special consideration you deserve as the world is torn asunder.

Dear Buddha: please bring me a pony, and a plastic rocket-

I didn't want to have to do this. You left me no choice....

Ah, who am I kidding...EVIL...I love to doom you all. We only have 2 days left for you to get your donations in and I am at a paltry $70. I have upgraded to a bigger laser and, as you can see, a much bigger rocket. Am I saying you will be spared if you donate to the cause in my name? No. But it does greatly enhance your chances of being left alive till the very end and possibly being offered a position as a henchman. Please donate for the boobies today! You know you love them as much as I love them.

Perhaps I can find new ways to motivate them.

I got those two damned droids that stole the technical readouts for my space laser. The one just makes bleeping noises and I have no idea what it is saying. The other seems to whine alot. I have gift-wrapped them for my Master. The Beard.

Now, I know who has and who has not contributed to my beard fundraising. I am working up a target list for my space laser. Do you want to be on the target list? Come on, boobs are awesome and we can all do something great for them!

Judge me by my beard, do you?

My beard has begun to sprout an annual solstice celebration conifer. That's right. It is topped with Yoda sporting a light saber.

Any ways, the key to this plan is the giant laser. It was invented by the noted Cambridge physicist Dr. Parsons. Therefore, we shall call it the Alan Parsons Project.

A new tradition has emerged thanks to the influence of the beard. The firing of the Thanksgiving Laser! See how it illuminates my beard. My beard has such strength that is actually protected me from the powerful energy of the laser. You might not be so lucky but I will consider sparing you if you donate to my beard growth.

You see, I've turned the moon into what I like to call a "Death Star". - Dr. Evil

Remove Before Flight?

It is time to get serious. I have been growing this beard for 23 days now. I have never grown a beard before and I am not sure how I feel about it yet. Still feels very foreign to feel the bed of facial hair when I do anything that involved my face and neck. Despite this awkwardness I am happy to grow the beard for the boobs! I am still only at $70 in donations with a week to go. Won't you consider sponsoring me? I would be ever so grateful.

I've always thought the most sensual part of a woman was the boobies. -Zapp Brannigan

No, those WERE the droid you were looking for!

This is my face (and beard) when I found out that a couple of droids got away with the technical readouts for my space-based laser. Then, I found out that they got away in an escape capsual and my gunners didn't fire on them because there were no lifesigns aboard. IDIOTS. Anyway, now I have to send a bunch of guys down to a planet that is way too hot. Not just an area of the planet, apparently the whole freakin planet. I might owe those guys a vacation somewhere cold after this, like Hoth.

"You're so stolid. You weren't like that before the beard." -- Q

I am not saying that if you don't contribute I am going to fire my rocket at your house. I can't, however, promise that I won't use said rocket to launch my orbital laser platform and then aim it at your house if you don't sponsor me. Hmm, might need a bigger laser and a bigger rocket. Come on. It is for the boobies! Even a guy with a semi-sentient evil parasitic beard like me knows it is a good cause!

Note to self: My evil deed for tomorrow, fire the maid.

Behind me, and the beard, you will see my mountain fortress within the Flatirons of Boulder. I know I called it a lair before but I have upgraded. My beard made a call to Hydra and they hooked me up. The laser is coming together nicely. Now to focus on my launch vehicle.

I promise to hurt you the right way, with cartoonish physical violence and elaboarte traps made out of strange things I bought over the internet.

It has been a hell of a day. Fly-land-fly-land-meetings-crash kind of day. I'm sorry, I am just not up to being evil tonight. My beard actually fell asleep an hour ago.

Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: I have an intense, burning indifference.