"Do not clip your hair at the temples, nor trim the edges of your beard."

- Leviticus 19:27, New American Bible

It's the final night before the final day of this #HoNoToGroABeMo 2011, and it's enough to make a person a bit wild and crazy.

Primitive, even.

Firelight. Hair unkempt. Focusing primal energy for a final growth spurt of the crackling virility hedge.

Oh, and money too. Many thanks to the donor(s) who have seeded many beards around this place over the last day or so, especially to whomever fertilized my facial efforts with green, cashy money - it's greatly appreciated!

Now we see what tomorrow brings...

Descriptor of the day: lush and fragrant

"5. In times of crisis, people always flock to a bearded person."

-from 10 Very Good Reasons Why You Should Grow A Giant Beard

Of course, the beast reason one should grow a giant beard is for boobs.

And, lo, it was time for the report of the second fortnight:

*personal sponsorship: $40 (Alright. Listen. There's only a few days left... FERTILIZE MY FACE!)

*HoNoToGroABeMo total sponsorship: $2635.01

*beard: nearing pre-shave crackling virility hedge density

The month is almost complete, but if prior experience tells me anything, these last few days will see a vast spurt of green! Many thanks to all those who have sponsored a beard - if you haven't yet, please do, as it's for the best cause of all!

Descriptor of the day: weaponized static-accumulator

"Manny: You think I should wash my beard?

Bernard: Yes, I think you should wash it. Then you should shave it off, nail it to a frisbee, and fling it over a rainbow."

"Bernard: You know what you are? You're a beard with an idiot hanging off it."

- Black Books, "The Big Lock-Out", episode 5 series 1

Home again, home again, and all that. Thanksgiving-related travel was lovely, but returning home after a few days away means checking the house for cat-damage.

Yes, that means the ceiling too.

Yes, they have done ceiling things in the past.

Why do I own cats, again? No idea. But at least I know why I attempt to grow this beard... for boobs. We're entering the last few days - let's push those donations, so we can push out jaw-foliage!

Descriptor of the day: nest, a bit too friendly

"Treebeard: We have just agreed...

[Merry and Pippin lean in]

Merry: Yes?

Treebeard: I have told your names to the Entmoot, and we have agreed you are not orcs.

Pippin: Well, that's good news."

- The Lord Of The Rings: The Two Towers, 2002

Tonight, I heard there was to be a Solstice Entmoot nearby. Sure, it was disguised as being the opening weekend of the Cincinnati Zoo's Festival of Lights, but that was a facade easily seen through. As such, I went and brought my face-mane to bear, hoping to make it pass more quickly.

No such luck.

That noted, it was exceedingly festive and done for boobs, so that part's a win. Hopefully, they'll be done with introductions by HoNoToGroABeMo 2012.

Descriptor of the day: epic wind-frizz

"Inspector Frank Butterman: Your predecessor assumed rural policing was easy. Ended up having a nervous breakdown, and Sergeant Popwell was an exceptional officer. Truly exceptional. But he had one thing you haven't got.

Nicholas Angel: What's that, sir?

Inspector Frank Butterman: [jovially] A GREAT BIG BUSHY BEARD!"

"Nicholas Angel: I chased a suspect from the scene! Innocent people don't run!

Sergeant Tony Fisher: Maybe it was our ol' friend the Cactus Thief?

PC Doris Thatcher: Oh yeah, he was a prickly customer, weren't he? Ha ha!

Nicholas Angel: AM I GOING COMPLETELY MAD?!"

- Hot Fuzz, 2007

I have only one question for you, Myrtillocactus geometrizans forma cristata. Which is more prickly - you or I? I think it me, as I am growing for boobs, and it is a greater cause than your cactusing.

What? You disagree?! Fine, then. It's the evil eye for you. So, there.

Descriptor of the day: submental pruritic reassertion

* The Escaped Convict Beard

* The Scottish Pride Beard

* The Jedi Face Suit

* The Crusader Beard

* The "We Should Have Seen it Coming" Beard

* "That There's For Kraken Releasin'" Beard

* and, possibly, The Lincoln Beard?

- from the article "The Many Beards of Liam Neeson"

Tonight there was a Thanksgiving feast, but due to rolling into town this afternoon to visit relatives who were themselves in the midst of moving meant that there was no cooking... so we took a cue from A Christmas Story and went out for Chinese. While there was no dramatically-beheaded duck, there was turkey, and fried donuts, and chicken wrapped in bacon, and stuffed mushrooms, and coffee-infused tiramisu, and a vast spread of many other foodstuffs. We were quite thankful. Also, stuffed.

Afterwards, we went out to catch The Muppets. I will add my glowingly positive review to the others already posted here: it's a vastly fun and funny flick. It has a bit of a strange tone compared to prior Muppet movies, but does a great job of consistently being a shout-out to the past and to fans while pulling things into the present. It also somehow happens to be exceedingly goofy while surprisingly deep at times. For anyone with fond memories of the Muppets growing up and/or currently kids, it's a must-see.

Upon exiting the theatre, I found myself face-to-standee with the intense, bearded visage of Liam Neeson. There was no better way to end the night than under his NONDESCRIPT YET INEXPLICABLY DETERMINED gaze.

Descriptor of the day: warm like muppet-flesh

"Clown: Foolery, sir, does walk about the orb like the sun, it shines every where. I would be sorry, sir, but the fool should be as oft with your master as with my mistress: I think I saw your wisdom there.

Viola: Nay, an thou pass upon me, I'll no more with thee. Hold, there's expenses for thee.

Clown: Now Jove, in his next commodity of hair, send thee a beard!"

- from Act 3 Scene 1 of William Shakespeare's Twelfth Night

As previously noted, there is only one alive who knows the significance of the orange orb of travel, and owns it's counterpart.

Let it be said, at least, that said orb is full of joy and travel-endurance properties, and can now mark Washington, PA, off on the "places of the world" it has seen. In this case, 'tis a pit stop on the road towards Thanksgiving gatherings and feastery.

Descriptor of the day: unruly hedge-roots

"Blackadder: I want to be remembered when I'm dead. I want books written about me. I want songs sung about me. And then hundreds of years from now I want episodes of my life to be played out weekly at half past nine by some great heroic actor of the age.

Baldrick: Yeah, and I could be played by some tiny tit in a beard.

Blackadder: Quite."

"Blackadder: Very well, I accept. A man may fight for many things: his country, his principles, his friends, the glistening tear on the cheek of a golden child. But personally I'd mud wrestle my own mother for a ton of cash, an amusing clock, and a sack of French porn. You're on.

Prince George: Hurrah!"

- Blackadder the Third, "Duel and Duality", 1987

There are few people in the storied history of professional wrestling who are as legitimately as badass as Dave "Fit" Finlay. Here are but a few examples of his badassery:

*his Irish toughness is so tangible, while he has never worn a beard in his wrestling persona, he still projects the aura of one

*he once kicked through a wooden table in 1999 and severed a major nerve in his leg; he healed it through force of will and continues to wrestle unhampered to this day

*given a ridiculous green hat, shillelagh, and a dirty leprechaun-dwarf named Hornswaggle as part of his in-ring gimmick, he somehow inverted the silliness of the situation into pure awesome and somehow, it made him even more intimidating

I'd like to believe that with beard-power, I will win this confrontation... but even though he is in action-figure form, that shillelagh is bloody big.

Descriptor of the day: puffed sleekness

"[on Michael Jackson]

Honey, you gotta pick a race first. All of a sudden you're a black man, then you're Diana Ross, now you're Audrey Hepburn. Then he's got the little beard going on. He's like Lord Of The Rings, the entire cast. Michael's about to jump species."

- Robin Williams

And, lo, it was time for the three week report:

*personal sponsorship: $40 (It seems that things have continued to stall. But the home stretch still lies before us. Let's do this!)

*HoNoToGroABeMo total sponsorship: $2368.01

*beard: weaving itself into appropriate bushy formation

Many thanks to all those who have sponsored a beard! If you haven't yet, please do, as it's for the best cause of all!

Your bit of disturbing trivia this day is to learn that there exists a forum called the Beard Board. There, one might find a forum thread started by someone displaying their three-weeks-worth of growth. Sadly, this effort is not for boobs, and some of the comments that follow are borderline disturbing.

On second thought, forget that, and just back away slowly...

Descriptor of the day: hedge-vectors

"[Jonathan accidentally had a cut while shaving]

Jonathan Harker: I didn't hear you coming in.

Dracula: Take care how you cut yourself. It is more dangerous than you think.

[Dracula breaks the mirror]

Dracula: A foul bauble of man's vanity. Perhaps you should grow a beard.

[He licks the blood off the razor]

Dracula: The letters I requested, have you written them?

[Harker hands him the letters]

Dracula: Good. Should you leave these rooms, you will not by any chance go to sleep in any other part of the castle. It is old and has many bad memories. Be warned."

- Bram Stoker's Dracula, 1992

Today was for the celebration of a friend's birthday in the style of his choosing - namely, the viewing of and commentary on 1980's sci-fi movies. Included among the selections were The Last Starfighter (still enjoyable for it's intensely '80's schlocky cheese, but damn that flick didn't age well), The Dark Crystal (an epic work of art), and The Black Hole. I had only seen the latter once in the vague dawn of my youth, and so visiting it here again was a fascinating experience on multiple fronts:

• What the frak happened to that Disney? - I think it's safe to say that The Black Hole is a starkly unique Disney offering in that contains a level of maturity and grit not seen before or since: Death of a main character by abdominal whirling blades impalement, followed immediately by electrocution. A villain who enslaves the entire crew of his starship as robots (cyborgs, really) and thereby killing them. A WTF ending that certainly can't be classified as "happy". Yes, there are a couple of cute and amusing robot sidekicks - even edgy Disney still has to be Disney - but this movie clearly was not standard Disney fare, and doing more films like this would have made the company more respectfully interesting.

• The movie holds up surprisingly well - While some of the effects are obviously dated, watching this movie in 2011 is still an enjoyable thing. The design is exceedingly inspired, especially the industrial-battleship appearance of the starship Cygnus, and the way many of the zero gravity sequences were accomplished is both simple and still looks good today as a believable effect. There is deliciously cheesy dialogue, rather stereotyped characters, and several over-the-top ideas for sure, but the entire package manages to hold up remarkably well in the intervening 30+ years since it's release.

• Excellent casting - Maximilian Schell. Anthony Perkins. Robert Forster. And one of the all-time Cmar favorites, Ernest Borgnine. This was a serious collection of acting talent that were given plenty of opportunities to chew the scenery. In the spirit of us watching this at a birthday gathering, I was forced to note that Borgnine was 62 when he did this film, and he's still going strong at 94 years young in the present day.

• And, of course, SPACE DRACULA - Maximilian Schell's Dr. Hans Reinhardt is a mad, creepy villain. He sports a glorious black and white face-mane, the power of which I attempt to replicate in vain with a cat in today's beardy image. His gentle accent, horrific deeds, and snazzy crimson uniform earn him the title of SPACE DRACULA, without question.

image from disney.wikia.com, linked above

Descriptor of the day: scruffy face-fluff