"You're so wise. You're like a miniature Buddha, covered in hair."

- Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy, 2004

Over the centuries, there have been many teachings attributed to Siddhārtha Gautama, the Supreme Buddha. It turns out that the core of these are most appropriate to this month, and our endeavors here. It is said that Buddha defined the Four Noble Truths:

1. it is part of human existence to endure suffering

2. suffering arises from the human attachment to desire, sensuality, and extermination

3. we can be freed from this suffering

4. the way to liberation from suffering is the Noble Eightfold Path: right view, right intention, right speech, right action, right livelihood, right effort, right mindfulness and right concentration

It is clear that HoNoToGroABeMo is the epitome of the Noble Eightfold Path.

Buddha laughs, because he knows he can grow a far thicker beard than I, but chooses not to.

I frown, because my donations have stalled, despite following the Noble Eightfold HoNoToGroABeMo.

Please donate, and help me find the joy of Buddha... for boobs!

Descriptor of the day: soft, supple itch

"There'll be dangers along the way... firstly mermaids, zombies... Blackbeard."

- Captain Jack Sparrow, Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, 2011

You may question the worth of today's image, given that it is not exactly a photo. You would be quite wrong to do so.

See, this representation of my increasingly thicketed countenance was created this evening by someone who both has boobs and cannot grow a beard: my lovely wife, Laura. Utilizing the Plants v. Zombies Zombatar creator, she painstakingly recreated my appearance today in zombie form, including both my thickening beard as well as the pinkness of my hair elastic. Well, maybe the shade of the latter was slightly off from what I wore today...

In any case, Laura's portrait of me is an endorsement of boobs for my beard growing efforts, and my jaw-fur continues to shamble forth. But if I get donations, it converts to a fast zombie and grows faster, so please give to help us go all 28 Days Later on breast cancer!

Descriptor of the day: boooooobbbbsssss

"You cannot grow a beard in a moment of passion."

- G. K. Chesterton

And, lo, it was time for the seven day report:

*personal sponsorship: $40

*HoNoToGroABeMo total sponsorship: $900

*beard: thin distribution, yet pushing out the face-mane to save the boobs

Many thanks to all those who have sponsored a beard! If you haven't yet, please do, as it's for the best cause of all!

Descriptor of the day: tender leading-edge velcro

"This is Elnar, my only son in wedlock. He's so vain of his beauty, he won't let a man's beard hide it. He scrapes his face like an Englishman."

"Hail Ragnar! And hail Ragnar's beard!"

- from The Vikings, 1958

As with many ancient cultures, that of the Vikings has been romanticized through fiction and media. As such, there are attributes (some, entirely fabricated) that people tend to associate with the word "Viking": Lush beards. Horned helmets. Raiding and pillaging. Crazed warriors. Mead halls. Odin and Thor.

The culture of the Norse peoples associated with the age of Vikings was, obviously, a bit more complex than that. For instance, everything from the specific manner of worship of the Norse pantheon to various funerary customs varied from region to region. Fortunately, historical evidence bears out that Norsemen were appropriately fond of strong facial thickets.

During my final day on this Ohio trip, I took a walk through a couple of picturesque cemeteries. I find cemeteries to be fascinating places, especially given how many in our current American society don't tend to deal well with death. One admirable part of Viking culture was how they celebrated their dead, raised stone monuments, and remembered them with tales of their deeds.

While there, I came across many interesting and unusual gravestones, several of which clearly had mysterious stories to tell. This one inspired my roots to live and put forth strong face-mane for boobs, in order to honor those roots that have gone before them.

#109: Del Folksy-Beard

#154: Half-Bearded Mark

#180: Bee-Beard

#447: Pirandello, the Many-Bearded

#743: Mike the Beard Recycler

- beard-named hobos from the list of 700 hobo names in John Hodgman's 2005 novel The Areas Of My Expertise (#743 is from the 100 additional hobo names given with the paperback version of the novel)

Today I found myself in the presence of an authentic, crumpled hobo hat as well as a genuine, scuffed hobo cane. Given the rich lore associating hobos and beards, as well as my current visitation of train-replete northern Ohio, the need for me to don said garb and ride the rails for a bit was an obvious one.

Also, two independent Facebook pages exist that are named after the hobo beard. Your lives are now enriched with this knowledge.

Descriptor of the day: dino-feathery

"I would like to thank Nasal Beard for that warm welcome."

- George W. Bush, thanking Hazel Beard, mayor of Shreveport, LA, 1992

I started this day on-call on the shore of the Atlantic, and I end this day having ridden hard to the shore of Lake Erie, so I display my follicular output via the only appropo expression for such a day: the scrunchy-face.

Descriptor of the day: softening fur

"Findings of Prior Investigators: Boone (1958) found inconclusive results in studying feline reactions to clean-shaven men..."

"...Interpretation: 1. Cats do not like men with long beards, especially long dark beards. 2. Cats are indifferent to men with shorter beards. 3. Cats are confused and/or disturbed by men with beards that are incomplete and to a lesser degree by men whose beards have missing parts."

- excerpts from "Feline Reactions to Bearded Men", the first in a series of research articles published in the Annals of Improbable Research

My follicular return is progressing nicely. As Jeff Greiner noted yesterday, what truly makes beards grow is cashy money, and I did have some donated to my cause today - many thanks to my donors! In deference to his dismissive observations about my attempt to use Miracle-Gro to stimulate jaw-fuzz, I will merely note that what was in the bottle may not have been Miracle-Gro. In point of fact, it may have been rich, liquid money, deceptively packaged and liberally applied to my mandible. Quite possibly.

That noted, one can never turn down other opportunities for assistance, such as a long-haired cat that happens to meander by when one is contemplating one's beard growth strategies. There is a body of scientific evidence looking at felines and beards, as noted above. One particular theory holds that tactile exposure to a hairy cat will encourage one's own hair to push outward more swiftly in response. Even if that theory is totally trash, it does feel good to rub one's face with a warm, fuzzy purring thing.

Between greenbacks and furry cats, this beard shall grow... for boobs.

Descriptor of the day: stiff bristles

"My beard... I broke my beard!"

- Jasper Beardly, The Simpsons, "The Old Man and The Key" (season 13 episode 13)

Time dilates. I only shaved a couple of nights ago, but it feels like ages. I grow impatient. These follicles strain to generate new face-mane, but I'm worried they need help. Come ON, baby! We can DO this! FOR BOOBS!!

Descriptor of the day: coarse-grit sandpaper

"Yes, that is true. And anybody who wants to join me, I welcome you, because you know what? There is too much manscaping going on in this country. I am not for it. I am against it. We all need to stand up and be MEN and have BEARDS. There's only two types of people in this world who don't have beards, and that's children and women, ok? I'm a MAN, I've got a BEARD!"

- Bryan Danielson, WWE professional wrestler, on being asked if he is refusing to shave his beard until Wrestlemania next year (April 2012)

One interesting side effect of shaving off an otherwise year-round face-mane is that one's coworkers tend to look at one strange. You suddenly become an attraction to be stared at, fussed over, and photographed in your natural office habitat. Or perhaps, that's just me.

In any case, sponsor my follicles! Save the boobs! Help me fill in the face-mane so that I don't get carded!

Descriptor of the day: briskly biting

"I see you've shaved your chin whiskers off."

"I was tasting the soup two hours after I ate it."

- Unforgiven, 1992

Thus far, most of the images posted display a plethora of facial expressions that are downright mean looking. Surly, in fact. It looks like it need to set my jaw against all of your petulant little-boy angst, and show you how to grow a real beard.

Descriptor of the day: disturbingly smooth and chilly