"Catholic girls are scary."

"The last time you saw me I was bald, beard with no mustache, and I had a different nose. So if you don't recognize me, I won't be offended."

- Hudson Hawk, 1991

Tonight we ventured out to the Family Game Store and had a brilliant time there, as always. Among the evening's adventures included a round of Eaten By Zombies, a freshly acquired zombie apocalypse deck building card game. Quickie review: it's good, and things start to get desperate rather quickly, which adds a lovely sense of urgency after the first few turns. One of the "best" aspects of the game's art are several disturbing zombie girls depicted throughout, which got really creepy the more I looked at them. And I couldn't not look. Because they were staring at me from the table. And wouldn't stop. *shudder*

It's clear that while my face mane continues it's slow progression outward, it hasn't yet reached the shotgun-length necessary to defend me against the necrotic cuteness of zombiefied little girls. Please, shower my jaw with cashy money, since if you do, it will save the boobs... and just might prevent the zombie apocalypse!

Descriptor of the day: reasserted pruritis

"It is remarkable that throughout the world the races which are almost completely destitute of a beard dislike hairs on the face and body, and take pains to eradicate them. The Kalmucks are beardless, and they are well known, like the Americans, to pluck out all straggling hairs; and so it is with the Polynesians, some of the Malays, and the Siamese. Mr. Veitch states that the Japanese ladies "all objected to our whiskers, considering them very ugly, and told us to cut them off, and be like Japanese men." The New Zealanders are beardless; they carefully pluck out the hairs on the face, and have a saying that "There is no woman for a hairy man."

- Charles Robert Darwin, from The Descent Of Man, And Selection In Relation To Sex, 1871

With all due respect to the New Zealanders of Darwin's time, I must note that hairy men do associate with women... especially when said hair is grown from the mandible on behalf of boobs. Additionally, Siamese cats are far more hairy than their human counterparts, and so can only add to the cause.

As such, I have united these additive forces today, for WIN; by the hair of my CHINNY CHIN CHIN.

Descriptor of the day: shortbeard assertion

"The beard is here because I got tired of shaving and Grissom, subsequently, got tired of shaving. Grissom, like any other 50-year-old man, is going through a series of mid-life changes. Who knows, he may start drinking."

- William Petersen, on his character Dr. Gil Grissom from CSI

Those who know me well are aware of my affinity for craft beer. I had no interest in beer until I discovered the podcast Winging It a good five or so years ago, which not only got me hooked into all forms of podcasting but also introduced me to the likes of Dogfish Head and Stone Brewery. Since then I've explored all manner of microbrews, and come to appreciate the variety and the craft involved with said snifters of liquid heaven.

I am particularly fond of beers that push the envelope in terms of flavor profile and alcohol content, such as the Dogfish 120 Minute IPA, to the point where I couldn't ever stomach a mass produced, corn-and-rice infused trashy American lage-WAIT. HEY! Get that camera away from me NOW! No, that's a can of... uh... water JUSTGETITAWAYTURNITOFFAAAGGGHHH!!!

Descriptor of the day: short tactile carpet

"You're so wise. You're like a miniature Buddha, covered in hair."

- Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy, 2004

Over the centuries, there have been many teachings attributed to Siddhārtha Gautama, the Supreme Buddha. It turns out that the core of these are most appropriate to this month, and our endeavors here. It is said that Buddha defined the Four Noble Truths:

1. it is part of human existence to endure suffering

2. suffering arises from the human attachment to desire, sensuality, and extermination

3. we can be freed from this suffering

4. the way to liberation from suffering is the Noble Eightfold Path: right view, right intention, right speech, right action, right livelihood, right effort, right mindfulness and right concentration

It is clear that HoNoToGroABeMo is the epitome of the Noble Eightfold Path.

Buddha laughs, because he knows he can grow a far thicker beard than I, but chooses not to.

I frown, because my donations have stalled, despite following the Noble Eightfold HoNoToGroABeMo.

Please donate, and help me find the joy of Buddha... for boobs!

Descriptor of the day: soft, supple itch

"There'll be dangers along the way... firstly mermaids, zombies... Blackbeard."

- Captain Jack Sparrow, Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, 2011

You may question the worth of today's image, given that it is not exactly a photo. You would be quite wrong to do so.

See, this representation of my increasingly thicketed countenance was created this evening by someone who both has boobs and cannot grow a beard: my lovely wife, Laura. Utilizing the Plants v. Zombies Zombatar creator, she painstakingly recreated my appearance today in zombie form, including both my thickening beard as well as the pinkness of my hair elastic. Well, maybe the shade of the latter was slightly off from what I wore today...

In any case, Laura's portrait of me is an endorsement of boobs for my beard growing efforts, and my jaw-fur continues to shamble forth. But if I get donations, it converts to a fast zombie and grows faster, so please give to help us go all 28 Days Later on breast cancer!

Descriptor of the day: boooooobbbbsssss

"You cannot grow a beard in a moment of passion."

- G. K. Chesterton

And, lo, it was time for the seven day report:

*personal sponsorship: $40

*HoNoToGroABeMo total sponsorship: $900

*beard: thin distribution, yet pushing out the face-mane to save the boobs

Many thanks to all those who have sponsored a beard! If you haven't yet, please do, as it's for the best cause of all!

Descriptor of the day: tender leading-edge velcro

"This is Elnar, my only son in wedlock. He's so vain of his beauty, he won't let a man's beard hide it. He scrapes his face like an Englishman."

"Hail Ragnar! And hail Ragnar's beard!"

- from The Vikings, 1958

As with many ancient cultures, that of the Vikings has been romanticized through fiction and media. As such, there are attributes (some, entirely fabricated) that people tend to associate with the word "Viking": Lush beards. Horned helmets. Raiding and pillaging. Crazed warriors. Mead halls. Odin and Thor.

The culture of the Norse peoples associated with the age of Vikings was, obviously, a bit more complex than that. For instance, everything from the specific manner of worship of the Norse pantheon to various funerary customs varied from region to region. Fortunately, historical evidence bears out that Norsemen were appropriately fond of strong facial thickets.

During my final day on this Ohio trip, I took a walk through a couple of picturesque cemeteries. I find cemeteries to be fascinating places, especially given how many in our current American society don't tend to deal well with death. One admirable part of Viking culture was how they celebrated their dead, raised stone monuments, and remembered them with tales of their deeds.

While there, I came across many interesting and unusual gravestones, several of which clearly had mysterious stories to tell. This one inspired my roots to live and put forth strong face-mane for boobs, in order to honor those roots that have gone before them.

#109: Del Folksy-Beard

#154: Half-Bearded Mark

#180: Bee-Beard

#447: Pirandello, the Many-Bearded

#743: Mike the Beard Recycler

- beard-named hobos from the list of 700 hobo names in John Hodgman's 2005 novel The Areas Of My Expertise (#743 is from the 100 additional hobo names given with the paperback version of the novel)

Today I found myself in the presence of an authentic, crumpled hobo hat as well as a genuine, scuffed hobo cane. Given the rich lore associating hobos and beards, as well as my current visitation of train-replete northern Ohio, the need for me to don said garb and ride the rails for a bit was an obvious one.

Also, two independent Facebook pages exist that are named after the hobo beard. Your lives are now enriched with this knowledge.

Descriptor of the day: dino-feathery

"I would like to thank Nasal Beard for that warm welcome."

- George W. Bush, thanking Hazel Beard, mayor of Shreveport, LA, 1992

I started this day on-call on the shore of the Atlantic, and I end this day having ridden hard to the shore of Lake Erie, so I display my follicular output via the only appropo expression for such a day: the scrunchy-face.

Descriptor of the day: softening fur

"Findings of Prior Investigators: Boone (1958) found inconclusive results in studying feline reactions to clean-shaven men..."

"...Interpretation: 1. Cats do not like men with long beards, especially long dark beards. 2. Cats are indifferent to men with shorter beards. 3. Cats are confused and/or disturbed by men with beards that are incomplete and to a lesser degree by men whose beards have missing parts."

- excerpts from "Feline Reactions to Bearded Men", the first in a series of research articles published in the Annals of Improbable Research

My follicular return is progressing nicely. As Jeff Greiner noted yesterday, what truly makes beards grow is cashy money, and I did have some donated to my cause today - many thanks to my donors! In deference to his dismissive observations about my attempt to use Miracle-Gro to stimulate jaw-fuzz, I will merely note that what was in the bottle may not have been Miracle-Gro. In point of fact, it may have been rich, liquid money, deceptively packaged and liberally applied to my mandible. Quite possibly.

That noted, one can never turn down other opportunities for assistance, such as a long-haired cat that happens to meander by when one is contemplating one's beard growth strategies. There is a body of scientific evidence looking at felines and beards, as noted above. One particular theory holds that tactile exposure to a hairy cat will encourage one's own hair to push outward more swiftly in response. Even if that theory is totally trash, it does feel good to rub one's face with a warm, fuzzy purring thing.

Between greenbacks and furry cats, this beard shall grow... for boobs.

Descriptor of the day: stiff bristles