"This week, Georgia's board of education approved a plan that allows teachers to keep using the word 'Evolution' when teaching biology. Though, as a compromise, dinosaurs are now called 'Jesus Horses.'"

"It's being reported that Tipper Gore is considering a run for the Senate seat once held by her husband Al Gore. Initial polls already have her winning by a landslide, because nobody wants to see Tipper lose and grow a beard."

- Jimmy Fallon, Saturday Night Live, "Weekend Update"

If you think that human sinus infections can be severe, then you've clearly never gazed into the cavernous cranial passages of a Tyrannosaurus. Impacted with herbivorous remains and the skull of a stray time-traveller or three, the melon-sized sinus pockets of this legendary therapod can become inflamed and ripe with gallons of thick, slimy pus.

And I, by virtue of my specialty, get to disimpact them. No wonder they let me into the museum for free...

Gloves? Somebody? Anyone?

Descriptor of the Day: fuzzy wuzzy

"Certainly, travel is more than the seeing of sights; it is a change that goes on, deep and permanent, in the ideas of living."

- Miriam Beard

Today, there was travel. I am tired.

But the face-mane yet grows. Unperturbed. Constant. For it's goal is to save boobs, and it is focused. Unstoppable.

Now, I sleep. But the beard never rests.

Descriptor of the day: thin face-fro

"Gimli: It's true you don't see many dwarf women. And in fact, they are so alike in voice and appearance, that they are often mistaken for dwarf men.

Aragorn: [whispering] It's the beards.

Gimli: And this in turn has given rise to the belief that there are no dwarf women, and that dwarves just spring out of holes in the ground!

[Eowyn laughs]

Gimli: Which is, of course, ridiculous."

"Gandalf: I am a servant of the Secret Fire, wielder of the flame of Anor. Go back to the shadow. The dark fire will not avail you, flame of Udun! You shall not pass!"

- The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, 2002

As we move further into the second fortnight of HoNoToGroABeMo, one cannot help but notice the radiance pouring forth, ever brighter, from all the jaws involved.

Hotter than 1000 solar filaments.

More brilliant than a chain of coronal mass ejections.

Beyond the radiance of all the supernovae of history.

These mandibles of ours, they sport ever more lush crackling virility hedges... for GLORY... for SCIENCE... for BOOBS.

Y'all had better break out the shades, because it's going to get even brighter before all is said and done.

Descriptor of the day: wind shield, acheived

"We have begun a new series of experiments in which cats are exposed to bearded men with a beard type (International Beard Classification Type #5G) that was not previously included in the investigations...

The test subjects were female cats, all between the ages of four and six. 231 cats participated in the study. Six cats died during the study, due to causes unrelated to the bearded men. Twelve cats gave birth while viewing the photographs."

- excerpts from "Feline Reactions to Bearded Men of Beard Type #55G", an additional report in a series of articles in the Annals of Improbable Research

One cannot presume to know, assume, or take for granted the reactions of felines to bearded men. That is why these must be subjected to SCIENCE. To be understood, for the benefit of mankind. To be predicted, when men displayed their beards for boobs.

That way, we can be prepared for side effects, such as FELINE JAW-RUPTURE SYNDROME. Here, I attempt to contain said rupture. This thing I am growing... it is starting to get a bit wild.

Descriptor of the day: frizzled multi-vectors

"the term "beard" shall henceforth be replaced by 'crackling virility hedge'"

- Warren Ellis, patron saint of HoNoToGroABeMo, November 19, 2009

Descriptor of the day: mat weaving, initiated

"Try The Braun Series 3 Shaver Risk Free. 60 Day Money Back Guarantee!"

- washable.Braun.com, Google Ad that appeared while I was looking for beardy quotes

And, lo, it was time for the report of the first fortnight:

*personal sponsorship: $40 (Come on, people - feed my follicles with nourishing money! Let's do this!)

*HoNoToGroABeMo total sponsorship: $1657.01

*beard: reaching the length for proper intercalation of face-fibers

Many thanks to all those who have sponsored a beard! If you haven't yet, please do, as it's for the best cause of all!

Descriptor of the day: carpet initiation

"Dr. Beardface! Let's see if he wants to play 'macaroni'!"

- J.D. to Elliot, Scrubs, "My Turf War" (season 6 episode 18)

Today is a momentous day in the annals of Cmar household food supplies.

Over ten years ago, Laura and I moved to Columbia, MD, from Greenbelt, MD, and Cincinnati, OH, respectively. This was to initiate cohabitation after being married for a year and a half but living apart as NASA contracting and medical schooling demanded. As one might expect, there was a great amount of consolidation of personal belongings, including everything from books to clothing to kitchen supplies. Living the bachelor lifestyle in med school meant that my contribution to the latter was various supplies of easy to prepare bulk food items of the type that someone consistently up at strange times while running on little sleep would have about:

• food-service sized jars of peanut butter

• monstrous cans of instant soup mix

• lots, and I mean lots, of cereal

• a case of boxes of macaroni and cheese

After settling in to our new home, the peanut butter and cereal were vanquished in short order. The soup mix was devoured less quickly, saved for cold, winter days, but it too disappeared after a few months. But the macaroni... those damn, numerous boxes of macaroni... were banished to the dark recesses of the pantry. Slowly, over time, we ate a box here, or made a bowl there, but I was always suspicious that against my better knowledge of reality, some dry noodley procreation was taking place on the pasta shelf that was keeping the macaroni box supply up.

Until tonight.

There was one box left. I stared it down. It gave me a tired, dusty gaze in return. Then, without mercy, I boiled it, sauced it, and Laura and I feasted.

Take that, Ohio macaroni! You thought you'd make it well into the next decade, but NO! You have been defeated. So, THERE.

Take note, breast cancer, because you're next. This beard continues to grow, and it is for boobs. You, too, will fall.

Descriptor of the day: lengthening below

"Catholic girls are scary."

"The last time you saw me I was bald, beard with no mustache, and I had a different nose. So if you don't recognize me, I won't be offended."

- Hudson Hawk, 1991

Tonight we ventured out to the Family Game Store and had a brilliant time there, as always. Among the evening's adventures included a round of Eaten By Zombies, a freshly acquired zombie apocalypse deck building card game. Quickie review: it's good, and things start to get desperate rather quickly, which adds a lovely sense of urgency after the first few turns. One of the "best" aspects of the game's art are several disturbing zombie girls depicted throughout, which got really creepy the more I looked at them. And I couldn't not look. Because they were staring at me from the table. And wouldn't stop. *shudder*

It's clear that while my face mane continues it's slow progression outward, it hasn't yet reached the shotgun-length necessary to defend me against the necrotic cuteness of zombiefied little girls. Please, shower my jaw with cashy money, since if you do, it will save the boobs... and just might prevent the zombie apocalypse!

Descriptor of the day: reasserted pruritis

"It is remarkable that throughout the world the races which are almost completely destitute of a beard dislike hairs on the face and body, and take pains to eradicate them. The Kalmucks are beardless, and they are well known, like the Americans, to pluck out all straggling hairs; and so it is with the Polynesians, some of the Malays, and the Siamese. Mr. Veitch states that the Japanese ladies "all objected to our whiskers, considering them very ugly, and told us to cut them off, and be like Japanese men." The New Zealanders are beardless; they carefully pluck out the hairs on the face, and have a saying that "There is no woman for a hairy man."

- Charles Robert Darwin, from The Descent Of Man, And Selection In Relation To Sex, 1871

With all due respect to the New Zealanders of Darwin's time, I must note that hairy men do associate with women... especially when said hair is grown from the mandible on behalf of boobs. Additionally, Siamese cats are far more hairy than their human counterparts, and so can only add to the cause.

As such, I have united these additive forces today, for WIN; by the hair of my CHINNY CHIN CHIN.

Descriptor of the day: shortbeard assertion

"The beard is here because I got tired of shaving and Grissom, subsequently, got tired of shaving. Grissom, like any other 50-year-old man, is going through a series of mid-life changes. Who knows, he may start drinking."

- William Petersen, on his character Dr. Gil Grissom from CSI

Those who know me well are aware of my affinity for craft beer. I had no interest in beer until I discovered the podcast Winging It a good five or so years ago, which not only got me hooked into all forms of podcasting but also introduced me to the likes of Dogfish Head and Stone Brewery. Since then I've explored all manner of microbrews, and come to appreciate the variety and the craft involved with said snifters of liquid heaven.

I am particularly fond of beers that push the envelope in terms of flavor profile and alcohol content, such as the Dogfish 120 Minute IPA, to the point where I couldn't ever stomach a mass produced, corn-and-rice infused trashy American lage-WAIT. HEY! Get that camera away from me NOW! No, that's a can of... uh... water JUSTGETITAWAYTURNITOFFAAAGGGHHH!!!

Descriptor of the day: short tactile carpet