"Blackadder: I want to be remembered when I'm dead. I want books written about me. I want songs sung about me. And then hundreds of years from now I want episodes of my life to be played out weekly at half past nine by some great heroic actor of the age.

Baldrick: Yeah, and I could be played by some tiny tit in a beard.

Blackadder: Quite."

"Blackadder: Very well, I accept. A man may fight for many things: his country, his principles, his friends, the glistening tear on the cheek of a golden child. But personally I'd mud wrestle my own mother for a ton of cash, an amusing clock, and a sack of French porn. You're on.

Prince George: Hurrah!"

- Blackadder the Third, "Duel and Duality", 1987

There are few people in the storied history of professional wrestling who are as legitimately as badass as Dave "Fit" Finlay. Here are but a few examples of his badassery:

*his Irish toughness is so tangible, while he has never worn a beard in his wrestling persona, he still projects the aura of one

*he once kicked through a wooden table in 1999 and severed a major nerve in his leg; he healed it through force of will and continues to wrestle unhampered to this day

*given a ridiculous green hat, shillelagh, and a dirty leprechaun-dwarf named Hornswaggle as part of his in-ring gimmick, he somehow inverted the silliness of the situation into pure awesome and somehow, it made him even more intimidating

I'd like to believe that with beard-power, I will win this confrontation... but even though he is in action-figure form, that shillelagh is bloody big.

Descriptor of the day: puffed sleekness

"[on Michael Jackson]

Honey, you gotta pick a race first. All of a sudden you're a black man, then you're Diana Ross, now you're Audrey Hepburn. Then he's got the little beard going on. He's like Lord Of The Rings, the entire cast. Michael's about to jump species."

- Robin Williams

And, lo, it was time for the three week report:

*personal sponsorship: $40 (It seems that things have continued to stall. But the home stretch still lies before us. Let's do this!)

*HoNoToGroABeMo total sponsorship: $2368.01

*beard: weaving itself into appropriate bushy formation

Many thanks to all those who have sponsored a beard! If you haven't yet, please do, as it's for the best cause of all!

Your bit of disturbing trivia this day is to learn that there exists a forum called the Beard Board. There, one might find a forum thread started by someone displaying their three-weeks-worth of growth. Sadly, this effort is not for boobs, and some of the comments that follow are borderline disturbing.

On second thought, forget that, and just back away slowly...

Descriptor of the day: hedge-vectors

"[Jonathan accidentally had a cut while shaving]

Jonathan Harker: I didn't hear you coming in.

Dracula: Take care how you cut yourself. It is more dangerous than you think.

[Dracula breaks the mirror]

Dracula: A foul bauble of man's vanity. Perhaps you should grow a beard.

[He licks the blood off the razor]

Dracula: The letters I requested, have you written them?

[Harker hands him the letters]

Dracula: Good. Should you leave these rooms, you will not by any chance go to sleep in any other part of the castle. It is old and has many bad memories. Be warned."

- Bram Stoker's Dracula, 1992

Today was for the celebration of a friend's birthday in the style of his choosing - namely, the viewing of and commentary on 1980's sci-fi movies. Included among the selections were The Last Starfighter (still enjoyable for it's intensely '80's schlocky cheese, but damn that flick didn't age well), The Dark Crystal (an epic work of art), and The Black Hole. I had only seen the latter once in the vague dawn of my youth, and so visiting it here again was a fascinating experience on multiple fronts:

• What the frak happened to that Disney? - I think it's safe to say that The Black Hole is a starkly unique Disney offering in that contains a level of maturity and grit not seen before or since: Death of a main character by abdominal whirling blades impalement, followed immediately by electrocution. A villain who enslaves the entire crew of his starship as robots (cyborgs, really) and thereby killing them. A WTF ending that certainly can't be classified as "happy". Yes, there are a couple of cute and amusing robot sidekicks - even edgy Disney still has to be Disney - but this movie clearly was not standard Disney fare, and doing more films like this would have made the company more respectfully interesting.

• The movie holds up surprisingly well - While some of the effects are obviously dated, watching this movie in 2011 is still an enjoyable thing. The design is exceedingly inspired, especially the industrial-battleship appearance of the starship Cygnus, and the way many of the zero gravity sequences were accomplished is both simple and still looks good today as a believable effect. There is deliciously cheesy dialogue, rather stereotyped characters, and several over-the-top ideas for sure, but the entire package manages to hold up remarkably well in the intervening 30+ years since it's release.

• Excellent casting - Maximilian Schell. Anthony Perkins. Robert Forster. And one of the all-time Cmar favorites, Ernest Borgnine. This was a serious collection of acting talent that were given plenty of opportunities to chew the scenery. In the spirit of us watching this at a birthday gathering, I was forced to note that Borgnine was 62 when he did this film, and he's still going strong at 94 years young in the present day.

• And, of course, SPACE DRACULA - Maximilian Schell's Dr. Hans Reinhardt is a mad, creepy villain. He sports a glorious black and white face-mane, the power of which I attempt to replicate in vain with a cat in today's beardy image. His gentle accent, horrific deeds, and snazzy crimson uniform earn him the title of SPACE DRACULA, without question.

image from disney.wikia.com, linked above

Descriptor of the day: scruffy face-fluff

"This week, Georgia's board of education approved a plan that allows teachers to keep using the word 'Evolution' when teaching biology. Though, as a compromise, dinosaurs are now called 'Jesus Horses.'"

"It's being reported that Tipper Gore is considering a run for the Senate seat once held by her husband Al Gore. Initial polls already have her winning by a landslide, because nobody wants to see Tipper lose and grow a beard."

- Jimmy Fallon, Saturday Night Live, "Weekend Update"

If you think that human sinus infections can be severe, then you've clearly never gazed into the cavernous cranial passages of a Tyrannosaurus. Impacted with herbivorous remains and the skull of a stray time-traveller or three, the melon-sized sinus pockets of this legendary therapod can become inflamed and ripe with gallons of thick, slimy pus.

And I, by virtue of my specialty, get to disimpact them. No wonder they let me into the museum for free...

Gloves? Somebody? Anyone?

Descriptor of the Day: fuzzy wuzzy

"Certainly, travel is more than the seeing of sights; it is a change that goes on, deep and permanent, in the ideas of living."

- Miriam Beard

Today, there was travel. I am tired.

But the face-mane yet grows. Unperturbed. Constant. For it's goal is to save boobs, and it is focused. Unstoppable.

Now, I sleep. But the beard never rests.

Descriptor of the day: thin face-fro

"Gimli: It's true you don't see many dwarf women. And in fact, they are so alike in voice and appearance, that they are often mistaken for dwarf men.

Aragorn: [whispering] It's the beards.

Gimli: And this in turn has given rise to the belief that there are no dwarf women, and that dwarves just spring out of holes in the ground!

[Eowyn laughs]

Gimli: Which is, of course, ridiculous."

"Gandalf: I am a servant of the Secret Fire, wielder of the flame of Anor. Go back to the shadow. The dark fire will not avail you, flame of Udun! You shall not pass!"

- The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, 2002

As we move further into the second fortnight of HoNoToGroABeMo, one cannot help but notice the radiance pouring forth, ever brighter, from all the jaws involved.

Hotter than 1000 solar filaments.

More brilliant than a chain of coronal mass ejections.

Beyond the radiance of all the supernovae of history.

These mandibles of ours, they sport ever more lush crackling virility hedges... for GLORY... for SCIENCE... for BOOBS.

Y'all had better break out the shades, because it's going to get even brighter before all is said and done.

Descriptor of the day: wind shield, acheived

"We have begun a new series of experiments in which cats are exposed to bearded men with a beard type (International Beard Classification Type #5G) that was not previously included in the investigations...

The test subjects were female cats, all between the ages of four and six. 231 cats participated in the study. Six cats died during the study, due to causes unrelated to the bearded men. Twelve cats gave birth while viewing the photographs."

- excerpts from "Feline Reactions to Bearded Men of Beard Type #55G", an additional report in a series of articles in the Annals of Improbable Research

One cannot presume to know, assume, or take for granted the reactions of felines to bearded men. That is why these must be subjected to SCIENCE. To be understood, for the benefit of mankind. To be predicted, when men displayed their beards for boobs.

That way, we can be prepared for side effects, such as FELINE JAW-RUPTURE SYNDROME. Here, I attempt to contain said rupture. This thing I am growing... it is starting to get a bit wild.

Descriptor of the day: frizzled multi-vectors

"the term "beard" shall henceforth be replaced by 'crackling virility hedge'"

- Warren Ellis, patron saint of HoNoToGroABeMo, November 19, 2009

Descriptor of the day: mat weaving, initiated

"Try The Braun Series 3 Shaver Risk Free. 60 Day Money Back Guarantee!"

- washable.Braun.com, Google Ad that appeared while I was looking for beardy quotes

And, lo, it was time for the report of the first fortnight:

*personal sponsorship: $40 (Come on, people - feed my follicles with nourishing money! Let's do this!)

*HoNoToGroABeMo total sponsorship: $1657.01

*beard: reaching the length for proper intercalation of face-fibers

Many thanks to all those who have sponsored a beard! If you haven't yet, please do, as it's for the best cause of all!

Descriptor of the day: carpet initiation

"Dr. Beardface! Let's see if he wants to play 'macaroni'!"

- J.D. to Elliot, Scrubs, "My Turf War" (season 6 episode 18)

Today is a momentous day in the annals of Cmar household food supplies.

Over ten years ago, Laura and I moved to Columbia, MD, from Greenbelt, MD, and Cincinnati, OH, respectively. This was to initiate cohabitation after being married for a year and a half but living apart as NASA contracting and medical schooling demanded. As one might expect, there was a great amount of consolidation of personal belongings, including everything from books to clothing to kitchen supplies. Living the bachelor lifestyle in med school meant that my contribution to the latter was various supplies of easy to prepare bulk food items of the type that someone consistently up at strange times while running on little sleep would have about:

• food-service sized jars of peanut butter

• monstrous cans of instant soup mix

• lots, and I mean lots, of cereal

• a case of boxes of macaroni and cheese

After settling in to our new home, the peanut butter and cereal were vanquished in short order. The soup mix was devoured less quickly, saved for cold, winter days, but it too disappeared after a few months. But the macaroni... those damn, numerous boxes of macaroni... were banished to the dark recesses of the pantry. Slowly, over time, we ate a box here, or made a bowl there, but I was always suspicious that against my better knowledge of reality, some dry noodley procreation was taking place on the pasta shelf that was keeping the macaroni box supply up.

Until tonight.

There was one box left. I stared it down. It gave me a tired, dusty gaze in return. Then, without mercy, I boiled it, sauced it, and Laura and I feasted.

Take that, Ohio macaroni! You thought you'd make it well into the next decade, but NO! You have been defeated. So, THERE.

Take note, breast cancer, because you're next. This beard continues to grow, and it is for boobs. You, too, will fall.

Descriptor of the day: lengthening below